Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
