Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
