I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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