i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
