I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
