I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
