I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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