If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
i out mim tonsoeep
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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