I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Randomize
