Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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