tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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