So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
