Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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