Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Panties = found
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