Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
