just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
