So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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