glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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