I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Randomize
