Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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