I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
