If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Is it because I queefed?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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