I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
