there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
