none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
