I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
