Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
