Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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