Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
