i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
