had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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