God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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