The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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