You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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