if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
