I'm sorry my penis didn't work
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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