I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
