you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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