so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
