from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
