You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Randomize
