i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
