Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
