The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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