Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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