She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
