Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize