i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
