I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
