Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
