So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize