Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
