he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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