Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize