so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
