This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
