3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
