i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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